


Watching

by God217



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Suicide mention, god i'm sorry, i am a horible human being, it's not all that explicit but please proceed with caution, my friend read this and cried actual tears, self harm mention, this was a tumblr request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 19:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15153749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/God217/pseuds/God217
Summary: -> Angsty Saeran with an MC who is in love with him but he isn't healed all the way so he doesn't feel he can be loved just f*ck me up <-A request from tumblrSaying "just fuck me up" to me is a very risky choice my friend.Warning: Contains mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts, please proceed with caution.





	Watching

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loraliah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loraliah/gifts).



He was sitting on his usual spot on his brother’s couch, just watching.

It was what he usually did when he wasn’t in his room.

He watched life happen, with him on the sidelines, not taking part, just looking at it.

Sometimes he turned on the TV to make it look like he was doing something, or to have something to focus on beside his thoughts, but he always ended up not paying attention to it anyway. He just sat there, watching his brother move around, watching people come and go.

And watching her.

She still came over sometimes, even though he couldn’t figure out why.

The girl whose life he’d ruined.

She’d been a perfectly normal person, a calm, happy life. Until the day he’d messaged her, and pulled her into the mess called his life.

He’d never even given her a choice, but now she’d never be able to go back to the way she’d been.

She’d never be able to unsee what she’d witnessed, to forget the things he’d done.

Out of everything wrong he’d done in his life, what he regretted the most was letting her see it, tainting her innocence with pictures she’d remember forever.

She always smiled at him, made him believe it was fine, but he knew she didn’t sleep at night.

He knew he was the reason.

And yet, every day, he found himself hoping she’d visit, because although he wished she’d leave them behind and move on, he also just wanted to see her so bad.

Even if all she said to him was hello, it felt like the world and more to him.

He knew of course that he didn’t deserve to be with her, he didn’t deserve to even look at her, but he couldn’t pull himself away from her eyes, her hair.

Her sweetness was addictive, and he found himself pulled in by her entire being in ways he’d have never thought possible for him to experience.

He wanted nothing but to be beside her, to make her happy.

But he knew he wasn’t good enough for her.

Nobody could ever truly be good enough for someone like her, but he was certainly the last one on the list.

Even though she still talked to him, treated him like a normal person unlike most others, there was no way they’d ever have a future.

But it was alright.

He cherished their conversations, even those late at night when he couldn’t sleep from nightmares, and she somehow always knew when to call him. Even when she fell asleep on the phone with him, it was only because she’d forced herself awake for him, and while he hated himself for doing that to her, it meant so much that she tried.

Everyone else was walking on eggshells around him it seemed, but not her.

She just treated him like she treated anyone else, with a kindness he knew few people possessed.

It made no sense to him why.

She knew who he truly was.

She’d seen the scars on his arms, and she hadn’t said a word, but of course she knew where they were from.

She knew how weak he was.

His own mind was his enemy, an endless battle inside of him that he never seemed to win, and though he appeared aloof on the outside, it was only because he was trying hard not to let his emotions show.

Because whenever he broke down he scared even himself.

He was afraid that he’d hurt her one day, that he’d come to his senses only to find her blood on his hands.

He never really knew what happened when he blacked out, his memory was always a blur after he managed to regain his control, but he knew very well that he didn’t have the power to stop himself.

It was the best for her to stay as far away from him as possible.

Sometimes he thought it’d be better if he was gone, if he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore.

How was he even still alive?

Why was he alive, and so many others were not?

He knew he’d never even been meant to be born, yet life was too cruel to release its grasp from him, even when he tried.

He’d hurt Saeyoung if he left, he might hurt her too, at least she’d said he would. But they’d be happier in the end.

She’d find someone who could truly make her happy, someone who was worthy of her love, and could give her the life she deserved.

Not someone scrawny like him, he was nothing but a mess inside and out.

A mistake from the moment he’d been born.

There was nothing he could possibly offer her, nothing but all his wounds and scars that she’d always have to mind. She’d have to take care of him every single day.

He wanted so bad for her to be there for him, to comfort him.

But she shouldn’t have to.

He watched her talk to his brother, seeing how well she got along with him.

And he hated it, more than anything else.

But at the same time, he knew Saeyoung would be much better for her than he was. They were the same, yet Saeyoung had always been the better one.

He was more handsome, and funny. He made her laugh, while all Saeran ever did was make her cry.

There were so many good people in her life.

The actor seemed to like her. Saeran didn’t despise him for it, none of them.

Zen would be good for her too. He was a good person, true and loyal, not to mention handsome.

Yoosung could offer her sweetness and innocence he’d never had in his life, and Jumin would never hesitate to shower her with gifts.

What did he have?

He had nothing of those things.

He was too worthless to even think of her, what was he to her anyway?

She‘d met him as a hacker.

A kidnapper.

And a murderer.

He’d killed one of her friends, of all of their friends, right in front of her eyes.

And he knew it was unforgivable, that he’d never be able to make that right again.

He’d ended a life.

And he knew of course that V had never been at fault, that he’d only ever been fed lies, all of his life.

That was where he was now.

Sitting there, memories of his past flashing through his head, making it hurt, but he deserved the pain.

He deserved to suffer.

So he didn’t bother stopping it, he just sat there, silently hoping she’d come over, just so he could hear her voice, catch a glimpse of her.

Just watch.


End file.
